Here are some of the common excuses for not using condoms that we've heard are:

"It destroys the romance and spontaneity"

Ways to get around this are to keep condoms or dams close at hand, like in a handbag; strategic places around the house, or a bedside table. This way you don't have to stop and search for it. (Don't keep a condom in a warm place such as a wallet or car for too long or it will get damaged.)

You can make putting a condom on or fixing a dam a part of your lovemaking.

Make it fun by using different types of condoms and lubricant.

"Hey, I'm not dirty - I'm clean"

Catching an STI doesn't mean a person is dirty, it simply means the person has come into contact with someone else who also had an STI. They may have no symptoms or visible signs of the infection.

"I hardly ever have sex"

It only takes one contact with a person with an STI to be at risk of catching it - a person can have an STI for a long time without realising, and still pass it on because it won't go away on its own.

"I'm not gay. I'm not an injecting drug user"

Some people still have the mistaken idea that only gay men and injecting drug users get HIV/AIDS - anyone can get HIV/AIDS. Condoms reduce the risk of getting HIV/AIDS and many other STIs.

"Don't you trust me?"

Certainly you may trust your partner, but can you trust her previous partner(s) and their previous partners? Taking an STI test together can be a very positive experience.

"I thought we loved each other"

If a person pressures you this way, and is willing to take these risks with your health, perhaps it's time to rethink what you really want from a lover.

"But I'm already using contraception"

Condoms are not only for protection from pregnancy, but also provide some protection from STIs.

"It's not as good with a condom"

So maybe sex with a condom on doesn't feel exactly like sex without one - but people very soon get used to it and enjoy sex just as much. And because you're both safer physically, you feel better and more relaxed emotionally.

When faced with comments like these, it can be really hard to remain assertive about what you want, even though it is your own safety and perhaps even your own life that is being risked. Acknowledge the other person's feelings and thoughts eg. to "I thought you loved me" you could say, "I do love you and I show you I love you in other ways. Risking our good health doesn't prove our love but keeping each other safe is a way of showing true love." See our topic on 'Assertiveness' for extra ideas.